Perfectionism has no place in my life today…as a ‘recovering perfectionist‘, I see more clearly than ever how much relational damage I’ve done over the years by my need to be perfect.
I have been reminded of my tendency towards perfection during Christmas, as I am tempted to fantasize about that Norman Rockwell holiday that doesn’t exist. Yet, this year, our family Christmas will be perfect for us, because I have learned that ‘good enough’ is perfect.
Here are 8 points to consider about perfectionism, whether you are the perfectionist or you live with one. I speak from personal experience.
Perfection makes you unapproachable
People tend to avoid perfectionists. Perfectionists are far too dangerous to get close to because they project “inadequacy” on everyone they meet. People can’t be themselves due to the spirit of competition that is always in play. ”Walking on eggshells” would describe how others feel around a perfectionist.
Perfectionism puts tremendous pressure on your children
Children naturally want to please their parents. Yet, when they can’t ever measure up due to the perfect parent’s impossible expectations, kids become completely demotivated. They don’t even want to try after a while, because they feel and know that they will never measure up. I am guilty of this to my regret.
Another area where perfectionist parents can do significant damage is with sports. Sometimes parents pressure their children to play and excel in several sports, even all year round. Doing your best and building sportsmanship is one thing, but putting your relationship with the child at risk by pressuring performance is quite another.
Perfection makes your spouse feel inadequate
Spouses of perfectionists feel like losers much of the time. Encouragement, kindness and patience, pillars of any marriage are too often dismissed. Criticism and condemnation can damage the marriage relationship, all in the pursuit of perfection.
Perfectionism frustrates the efforts of everyone around you
As the perfectionist walks through daily life, they expect no less of others than they expect of themselves. They want their groceries bagged a certain way, they expect a timely response to all of their needs and they tend to be impatient with everyone around them. What the perfectionist fails to realize is that they are missing all the beauty of life that surrounds them, but they are blind to it.
Perfectionism will take more time and energy than is necessary
Perfectionists tend to get up very early and stay up late at night to make sure everything is complete in the way it ‘should be done’. They work tirelessly to make sure that the proper impression is made and that the compliments are plenty.
Perfectionism doesn’t pay well
The only payment the perfectionist ever receives is praise, which is short lived. The perfectionist is only as wonderful as the last unbelievable feat they accomplished, therefore the job is never done. There is never a sense of completion or satisfaction.
Balance, however, is a lot more fun. Balance says that YOU are good enough, just the way you are, without performing or struggling. Balance says that you are indeed lovable. You are a human ‘being’, not a human ‘doing’. Balance can…
Keep you human and approachable
People will want to be near you and be more willing to share what is on their hearts and minds. They will not fear rejection because they will be comfortable in the fact that you are real and human.
Lets your children be children
Your children just want YOU, not what you do. When you realize that you are lovable just the way you are, that same love will begin to flow in acceptance of others. It’s amazing.
Enhance your marriage
When your husband feels fully accepted for who he is, walls come down, resistance melts away and the relationship you’ve always wanted with him might be right around the corner.
Makes you touchable
I always promised myself that my children would feel comfortable touching me, my face and hair, and that I wouldn’t ever be so concerned about my look that I might deny my peep’s little fingers to mess me up. Who cares if you get a little messy? Children need to cuddle and touch you. When I keep my beauty routine simple and expectations of myself reasonable, I become touchable.
Brings laughter and joy
Oh my friends, balance is so much fun! It took me so many years, wasted years of insecurity that masked itself in perfectionism, to realize what I was missing. This post is written as a reflection of my own personal healing. I am so terribly grateful for where I’m at today and would never go back to those days again.
Enjoy this Christmas…with imperfect decor, food, gifts, relatives and weather. Just be together, that’s good enough. Actually, it’s perfect.
I would love to hear your thoughts ~ do you struggle with perfectionism or live with someone who does? How does it make you feel? How do you cope?
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I too am a recovering perfectionist and still learning at times. God has blessed me with circumstances where I have had to learn to let my perfection tendencies go and learn that there were more important things than trying to be perfect. I love what you said about balance, especially that it means you are indeed lovable. Thank you so much for sharing this.
Hey Julie,
You are so welcome, just speaking from my heart.
You are lovable, remember that! Take care…
Kelly
This post is just what I needed to read this morning! It made me realize how trying to be a “perfectionist” is taking my time away from my boys and my family in general. I need to learn that I don’t need the “perfectly” clean home, that it is OK to have toys laying around, dishes in my sink and unmade beds
I loved the part where you state that perfectionists “are missing all the beauty of life”. For me it was a wake up call not only to enjoy my family more, but to enjoy everything God has blessed me with and to not sweat the little things.
Hey Laura,
Good for you! I’m proud of you! It’s hard to stay on course sometimes, when you start ‘perfecting’ again, and you likely will, just give yourself a loving reminder.
Take care!
Kelly
Kelly, I just recently found your website and it has been such a blessing to me already. A lot of things you have written about are things I am struggling with and want to do/be better with. I really appreciate your perspective on life. With God’s help and grace, I have hope for the future that I don’t have to remain the same! Thank you.
I do struggle with perfectionism and the Lord has been showing me that relationship with my children is more important than having things “the way I want them” or “the way I think they should be”. It does make me feel like I never measure up, which of course, is not a very good feeling.
I’m looking forward to growing in balance in my life and being okay with “good enough”.
Hey Becci!
I’m so glad to know that I’m not the only one who struggles! I pray that the blog will minister to you right where you’re at on a daily basis.
Welcome!
Kelly
So true! Fellow recovering perfectionist here too! I’m so thankful that God opened my eyes to this issue in my life when He did. I was completely blind to it before. It’s hard though, because some of it is very deeply rooted. But I’m amazed at how far I’ve come. Of course, God knew what he was doing when he sent us our first boy…..intense, unpredictable, messy….I’ve grown so much in this area just since I’ve had him.
Thank you for these reminders. I often find myself reverting back to my old ways. But it’s something I truly don’t want to pass on to my children.
Hey Keri,
Thanks for your open and honest comment. It’s an ongoing struggle, that’s for sure. Realizing it about yourself is just huge.
Take care!
Kelly
Kelly,
I love that you talk about the importance of balance. I am an “all or nothing” kind of person, and through the years, having an easy going, loving husband and four kids, I am able to relax and know that we will not all die if things are not perfect:) My husband likes to say “everything in moderation” but I think people don’t realize that “moderation” does not necessarily come natural for us all. Thank you for your honesty, I am really enjoying your site!
Hey Stephenie,
Thank you so much for your encouraging words!
You’re right in that moderation doesn’t come naturally, especially in the US…we have to learn it.
Glad you’re here, Merry Christmas!
Kelly
This post is SUCH a blessing to me. I, too, consider myself a “recovering perfectionist.” It has really ruled my life for so long and until this past year, I wasn’t able to accurately identify a lot of it. God is certainly doing work in me, and it’s so much nicer to let go of perfectionism and remember that I NEED Jesus, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
Hi Brynna,
Great to hear from you! I’m so pleased that you could relate to this post. I think there are many of us who suffer silently and need a little validation.
We all need Jesus, don’t we? I’m a mess without Him.
Always was an OTT perfectionist but now with 3 kids and the right medication have learn to let it go….so in the new year will put my talents to good use Im startting my own Professional organiser business named ‘Now…let it go…’ Merry Christmas from Australia to you and your beautiful tribe and may all your 2012 dreams come true XX
Thank you, Jen, for your candid comment. Merry Christmas to you and yours “down under” as well!!!
What an incredibly insightful post, Kelly! Thank you SO much for sharing it. I’m wondering if anyone besides me has experienced a balancing effect from scrapbooking? I’ve noticed that those few experiences that don’t feel exactly perfect when they are happening look absolutely fantastic when I’ve scrapped a page on them. Even if I do the page the next day while everything is fresh in my mind, putting the event to paper brings a perspective that reminds me how very blessed I am and how much I have to be thankful for.
Merry Christmas to you and yours!!!
Hi Lisa,
Here’s my take on scrapbooking….
http://www.themorristribe.com/2011/03/01/scrapbooking-is-it-for-you/
I’m so glad that you find enjoyment with scrapbooking!